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Showing posts from 2009

I want

One of the things I struggle with is knowing what I want. Well, the truth is not that I don’t know. It’s being ok with wanting what I want. We grew up being taught that we should not really want. And often we could not have what we wanted. What was good for us would be given to us and God and our parents knew what was good for us. So, I am often afraid of wanting anything. I am afraid that I will make a mistake and it will not be good for me. I want only what please God (or so I thought) and my parents (which really is more so the case).

Even now there is a song in my head that we learnt for a musical when we were children. “The I wants”. It was a about a girl who was basically selfish and of course a brat. So the song is about how she’s got the I I I I I I wants, the me, myself and I I wants. And of course the poor girl needed to be saved.

So, basically having grown up being taught not to be selfish and therefore not to want to much I end up being an adult who cannot want something e…

Lessons from 2009

J asked me to put down some affirmative thoughts as I got them. Here are some:

Making mistakes does not mean you are a mistake. It's one small error. Not a reflection on who you are and what you are capable of.
There is no reason for you to be sad. When things are normal feel normal and save the sadness for when it is warranted.
It's ok if some people don't like you. You don't like everybody.
Some people are easier to like than others.
You are entitled to happiness, love and peace.
You don't need to take anybody's bullshit!
It's ok for you to want!
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
If someone behaves like a jerk they are the assholes. You need not feel bad about yourself. Pity them!
You're always going to have to deal with assholes. Quitting won't help. Stand up and fight.
Nobody can make you feel something you don't want to feel.
At the core of who I am is a teacher. The concerns of children are important to me. The more I reflec…

2009... there it goes.

So much has changed this year! Sometimes even I don't recognize myself.

My 29th year has been really difficult I think. It seems that the past 3 or 4 or 6 years kind of took their toll on me. Lot of new things happening also. I am working at a place that is so new to me - the people, the work... everything has been really intimidating and very hard to deal with.

This year, even though I have felt like I was crumbling, like I could not go on, I might have gotten stronger. I think I chose to face my struggles. To analyze them and see what was really bothering me. And I think I have also consciously made decisions to deal with my issues. To make changes. To make new beginnings. I guess all is not lost after all.

I decided this year that I would stop living my life to find acceptance from other people. Now I need to accept myself. :)

I'm learning to not be afraid. To face my fears.

I'm learning to love myself and accept myself.

I'm learning that sometimes you need to rebel.


Church and Friends

I don't know if I will ever go back to my old church. I miss the people there. I also realize that many of my friendships are centered there so not going to church does reduce the strength of some ties. That's the thing though. If something external is what makes us friends, were we really friends at all? If you don't love me for who I am and so want to be my friend, then should I consider you my friend really?

So lets see. Through this ordeal, I will know I think who my real friends are.

It's so weird to be in this place right now. I am not sure of anything anymore.

Not going to Church

December 31, 2009

Another year. Last year I did not go to church for the watch night service. I'm not going tonight. And I don't think I will go tomorrow either. Why? Well... it's been like that this year. I have not been going to church since April 2009. This is a HUGE thing for me. I have always attended, always been active, taught Sunday School, been the person people could rely on for a skit, church decorations, any program. And now, that part of my life is missing.

I was seriously disillusioned with my church... with the people in the church. I found it terribly difficult to deal with how people took sides and were willing to take sides with someone who was obviously not right for their own interests. Sure, I may be a little hot blooded on this, but then, if someone is wrong, someone is wrong. There are times when we can't be wishy washy about things. We need to stand up for what we believe is right. It was a horrible time. I saw people I had grown up with, respect…

Urban Sustainable Living

I came across Patti Moreno and her when I was working at a communications company. She's brilliant. In the middle of New York City she grows her own food! She's worked out how homes can be sustainable even in an urban context!

You must check her out.

I guess, Another world is possible!

Is another world possible?

I have been thinking that I really don't want to live the urban life as it is now. I don't want to have to spend 3 hours in traffic everyday to get to work and back. I don't want to have to work primarily so I can pay for the auto, the gym, the house, and food. I don't want to have to run the rat race and get better at certain skills just so I can get ahead in this world we have created. I am not that kind of person and I don't want to be.

I want to actually LIVE life, not live from weekend to weekend. I'm going to be 30 next year and as far as I can tell, that's half my life done! And I must say I'm not terribly satisfied with the life I've lived so far. Sure there are many things to be grateful for - family, home, marriage, friends, but there's still so much missing. And I feel that if I keep going on the path I'm going I will end up regretting most of my life.

Somethings got to change! I need to find another way of living. Can I do this i…

Search for Meaning

I've just finished reading Victor E. Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning. Dr. Frankly was Professor of Neurology and Psychiatry at the University of Vienna Medical School.He survived the Holocaust and was at Auschwitz, Dachau, and other concentration camps.

In his book he talks about how a person can still find meaning and a will to live even in the most desolate of conditions. Not everybody can do it but everybody has the opportunity to.

Give God Glory?

What does it means to give God the glory? Is it something that one needs to "feel"/ "experience" by oneself, something that cannot be explained and one can only know when it somehow happens... when the Spirit moves maybe? Or is there anything else to it?

In most cases when I have heard people talking about giving God glory it often entails singing. Now for the musically gifted I am sure this is amazing. But for those of us who are not, who are therefore subtely coerced by church tradition to somehow experience God through music and give glory, worship and so on, it becomes a little difficult.

Then ofcourse we pray saying "Lord this is for your glory"... or "Let this bring glory to your name"... what does that really mean? I am finding it increasingly difficult to figure.

I feel now that I really need to find Jesus in the raw. Go after him with clenched fist and biting teeth and say "show me who you are ... I don't know!!!!!" Hound h…

Managing Stage at Vision 2020

Wrote this for the Vision 2020 brochure Script Peoples Theatre brought out this year.

If you thought you could figure out what stage management is from a book or a website… ahem! Think again. You could of course read the many manuals, how-to-guides, dos and don’ts available, but unless you took the course in Stage Management (at the Yale School of Drama, or some other such bastion of erudition, (I’m guessing), you’re in for a big surprise!

A stage manager needs to manage all technical aspects of a production, and the people involved in it. Now, managing the technical side is easy. A couple of excel sheets, some basic organizational skills, a phone that can save an additional 100 numbers and you’re set. But people… ah! There in lies a stage manager’s true worth.

Vision 2020 productions normally have a cast anywhere between 75 to 100 college students and working folk, and not all of them are jumping for joy to be part of the rigorous rehearsal schedule the production demands. Getting out o…

Greed and Entitlement

At lunch a colleague was talking about her recent trip home. She met a chief marketing manager or something of that sort of a large corporate company over dinner. The woman talked about how fantastic her company was and how they had to “wipe out” smaller distributors, and glorified their strategy to take over the market. As difficult as this was to work through the woman went on to talk about how when people encroached on land that her family owned, she and her mother went down one night and burned the houses down!

I gasped. And since then have not been able to stomach this. Burned the houses of people who encroached on your land? Like you don’t have enough money and power to reclaim your land through the law? Burn it down yourself? You and your mother? It’s absurd? And she obviously felt no remorse and was talking about it at a dinner party and everyone there didn’t object either! Sure we know these things happen but it’s still horrifying!

How does one deal with something like this? Wh…

One-line verses

The trouble with learning memory verses I think is that we cling to a line in the Bible while we have no clue what the context of that line is. For the past few weeks I have been reminded of “None of you should think more highly of yourself than you ought” Romans 11. I blamed this verse (among others) for my insecurity and feeling insignificant. However, if one looks at the rest of the passage it’s about something else. Even with years of Sunday school and church and seminary even, I kept thinking that this verse aided my low self-esteem. We are not told to learn and understand entire passages of the Bible; in fact, entire books would make more sense really. How can anyone meditate on one paragraph of a letter? How would you know what the writer is talking about if you only read 14 lines? We can’t break up the books of the Bible and study only chapters. We need to see the chapters in the light of the larger book, and indeed in the light of the larger Book itself!

Finding Jesus

I wrote to my professor a couple of days ago. I told him how I was struggling with my faith and life. How I didn’t know how to live with Jesus, or without Him. How I was exhausted and couldn’t feel God near most of the time. I also told him that I blame myself because I have not read the Bible regularly or prayed. And now, because
I find it really difficult to be in Church, I don’t go either. I said I had come to the point where I can’t pretend to be a good Christian anymore. The church I go to does not work for me. The regular ways of worship and prayer and living a “Christian life” does not work for me.

My professor wrote back. Life with Christ is a mystery he said. He shared some of his own struggles and said that what has helped him is to mediate on Grace and stop worrying about what we are doing for God but concentrate on what He has done for us.
We do place a lot of emphasis on works - on what we must do for God. On reading the Bible, praying and attending church. But we miss ou…

Roz Savage

My husband sent me a link about Roz Savage – an ocean rower who has rowed the Atlantic Ocean and is currently on the Pacific, rowing for the environment. Savage didn’t always use the water as her mode of transportation. She took the London Tube, and lived in a nice house with her husband, worked as a management consultant, and drove a “little red sports car”. At 33 she wrote two obituaries of herself – one for the life she lived and the other for the one she wanted to live. Then she decided to make the latter be the one that gets printed in the local newspaper.

She’s out there somewhere on the Pacific Ocean doing her thing. And you can track her on her website

Interestingly, last night I told my husband I was “sinking.” I am not exactly sure in what, or why, but I guess it comes from a deep frustration of not living life to the full. Of compromising, adjusting, being safe and living dull. This is not a new feeling for me but it has got worse over the past year. I’m turn…


Don Mclean's Crossroads.

I've got nothing on my mind: nothing to remember,
Nothing to forget. and I've got nothing to regret,
But I'm all tied up on the inside,
No one knows quite what I've got;
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be, I'm not anymore.

You know I've heard about people like me,
But I never made the connection.
They walk one road to set them free
And find they've gone the wrong direction.

But there�s no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where I stand.
And I believe I'll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned.

Can you remember who I was? can you still feel it?
Can you find my pain? can you heal it?
Then lay your hands upon me now
And cast this darkness from my soul.
You alone can light my way.
You alone can make me whole once again.

We�ve walked both sides of every street
Through all kinds of windy weather.
But that was never our defeat
As long as we could walk together.

So there's no need for turning back
`cause all roads …

I wish

I wish I could paint across a large, white canvas in bright colors.
I wish I could run on the beach at sunset.
I wish I could stand on a mountain top under a clear blue sky.


Gotten back to sewing now. Bought some fabric. Handloom at this point. I need to explore more fabric and see what’s in the market.

Made this for my nephew who turned one recently.

Strangley after I hand sewed this one, my mom bought an electrical sewing machine! But I'm glad it's there. I have to get on my next project soon.


I realized today that I give work too much importance. I am too involved.

I need to step back. Work isn't everything. I need to figure out what is important to me and invest more in that.


My friend, on his gmail status, says "If you don't have a the hell is it going to come true!"

The worst thing that can happen to someone is that they stop dreaming. And that happens to a lot of people.

Someone watching over me...

I joined up with a health club - Fitness First. I love it!

The day before I joined I sat outside waiting for my husband to arrive. Looking up at the glass window with the many cycles stacked along it, people going in and out carrying their blue bags and fancy shoes, I was not sure what to make of this move in my life. Snazzy health club? Me?

Hmm... an hour later I signed up and was on the cross trainer the day after that. Easy shift.

I'm glad I made the shift though. I enjoy it and it feels like I'm doing something with my life. Like I'm growing up somehow. Feels good.

This morning I went in at 6:30am. The night befor I asked God to help me out with this whole thing. I have started other programmes to loose weight but still am overweight. I asked Him to help me wake up in the morning, to get a decent auto driver to take me there, and another one to take me from the gym to work. I asked that I would enjoy the morning and my session. I did. And both auto drivers were nice.


Climbing the Mountain

Sometime in October 2008

My quest for meaning is still on. Over the past few weeks I have been plagued with questions I have asked myself ever since I was eleven – what is life about? Why am I here? What should I do with myself? Where do I go? Is there meaning to our existence?

The questions are not new. But each seeker is. We each will need to find our own answers I suppose – like those who have before. Philosophers, artists, government servants, homemakers, astronauts – I guess everybody asks the question. So my depression at this point is really nothing out of the ordinary. My complete lack of will to wake up in the morning, take the bus to work, work, and return, eat, sleep… is not peculiar to my condition. It has been and is a part of most people’s lives whether they know it or not.


I wrote this at a time when I had just joined work and was also reading Arthur Schopenhauer in Alain de Botton’s The Consolations of Philosophy. That was the fourth chapter in the book and it re…