Friday, September 4, 2009

Finding Jesus

I wrote to my professor a couple of days ago. I told him how I was struggling with my faith and life. How I didn’t know how to live with Jesus, or without Him. How I was exhausted and couldn’t feel God near most of the time. I also told him that I blame myself because I have not read the Bible regularly or prayed. And now, because
I find it really difficult to be in Church, I don’t go either. I said I had come to the point where I can’t pretend to be a good Christian anymore. The church I go to does not work for me. The regular ways of worship and prayer and living a “Christian life” does not work for me.

My professor wrote back. Life with Christ is a mystery he said. He shared some of his own struggles and said that what has helped him is to mediate on Grace and stop worrying about what we are doing for God but concentrate on what He has done for us.
We do place a lot of emphasis on works - on what we must do for God. On reading the Bible, praying and attending church. But we miss out on enjoying God in our lives. Then Christianity becomes a burden, when in truth, it should set us free.

So how does one meditate on the Grace of God? I am quite note sure really. My prof drew my attention to a couple of hymns. I guess that’s a start. I guess one could also consciously thank God. And one could read a little more about it. I don’t know. This is going to be an exploration for me.

I want to find out who God really is… in the “raw” so to speak. Who is this Jesus? Really who is he?

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Roz Savage

My husband sent me a link about Roz Savage – an ocean rower who has rowed the Atlantic Ocean and is currently on the Pacific, rowing for the environment. Savage didn’t always use the water as her mode of transportation. She took the London Tube, and lived in a nice house with her husband, worked as a management consultant, and drove a “little red sports car”. At 33 she wrote two obituaries of herself – one for the life she lived and the other for the one she wanted to live. Then she decided to make the latter be the one that gets printed in the local newspaper.

She’s out there somewhere on the Pacific Ocean doing her thing. And you can track her on her website rozsavage.com.

Interestingly, last night I told my husband I was “sinking.” I am not exactly sure in what, or why, but I guess it comes from a deep frustration of not living life to the full. Of compromising, adjusting, being safe and living dull. This is not a new feeling for me but it has got worse over the past year. I’m turning 30 next year y’see, and I feel like a complete failure. What the hell am I doing with myself? Where did all the big possibilities go? What happened to my moments of greatness? Have I lost it forever?

Turning 30 has made me feel like half my life is over and there really is nothing much I can do with it now. If I wanted to be great at anything I should have started earlier. I play the blame game and hold everyone else responsible for what I’m missing. Ditching this idea I think will have to be my first step.
Then I have to believe that life does not end at 30, that if you really want to do something you can, if you work hard enough, hold fast enough, fall hard enough, and get back up enough.