Thursday, December 31, 2009

I want

One of the things I struggle with is knowing what I want. Well, the truth is not that I don’t know. It’s being ok with wanting what I want. We grew up being taught that we should not really want. And often we could not have what we wanted. What was good for us would be given to us and God and our parents knew what was good for us. So, I am often afraid of wanting anything. I am afraid that I will make a mistake and it will not be good for me. I want only what please God (or so I thought) and my parents (which really is more so the case).

Even now there is a song in my head that we learnt for a musical when we were children. “The I wants”. It was a about a girl who was basically selfish and of course a brat. So the song is about how she’s got the I I I I I I wants, the me, myself and I I wants. And of course the poor girl needed to be saved.

So, basically having grown up being taught not to be selfish and therefore not to want to much I end up being an adult who cannot want something enough to go after it. I will let go. Whether it is ordering something I like or making a life decision.
Now I am learning to want again and to say what I want and not feel guilty about wanting it. So here’s my list again:

I want to see Europe.
I want to see snow and play in it.
I want to grow a herb garden.
I want to cook really great food.
I want to make kid toys and wall art for kids.
I want to take amazing pictures.
I want to learn western dance and dance really well.
I want to be thin so I can wear fashionable clothes.
I want to live in a beautiful place with beautiful trees and birds.
I want to make quilts.
I want a more modern home.
I want to not have to travel in horrible traffic to get to work.
I want my hair to grow back on the top of my head.
I want to visit Graceland.
I want to watch Mamma Mia on Broadway.
I want to have a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment in my life.
I want to live in a cottage on a large area of land with dogs and a garden and hills in the distance.
I want to be in control of the situation and not have the situation control me.
I want to give my mother a holiday. I want her to be happy.
I want my name on a book.
I want peace.
I want to quit my job.
I want to be home more.
I want to find meaning in life.
I want to grow vegetables and herbs.
I want to go to Timbaktu collective and work with them.

Lessons from 2009

J asked me to put down some affirmative thoughts as I got them. Here are some:

  • Making mistakes does not mean you are a mistake. It's one small error. Not a reflection on who you are and what you are capable of.
  • There is no reason for you to be sad. When things are normal feel normal and save the sadness for when it is warranted.
  • It's ok if some people don't like you. You don't like everybody.
  • Some people are easier to like than others.
  • You are entitled to happiness, love and peace.
  • You don't need to take anybody's bullshit!
  • It's ok for you to want!
  • You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
  • If someone behaves like a jerk they are the assholes. You need not feel bad about yourself. Pity them!
  • You're always going to have to deal with assholes. Quitting won't help. Stand up and fight.
  • Nobody can make you feel something you don't want to feel.
  • At the core of who I am is a teacher. The concerns of children are important to me. The more I reflect on my life the more I realize that a certain facilitation is necessary for children to grow into certain kinds of individuals. Children should be given that chance.
  • You have no reason to fear anything. No one can take anything away from you if you don't let them.
  • If you are free, can walk, talk, see, laugh, cry, feel; if you have a home, and work, and a working mind. If you have people who love you, and people you love - friends, family, you have a good life. Be happy!
  • No on can make you feel something about yourself that you don't believe to be true. You need to be sure of yourself. Others opinions are theirs - they don't need to become yours.
  • Once you begin to look at the positive - you realize that you can!
  • It only matters what you think about yourself. Not what others think.
  • Don't send out mixed feelings to the universe. It won't know what to give you. Send out positive and clear messages.
  • You can't change the past. Don't sulk about it. It's a waste of time.
  • Worry about the things you can control. Don't about things you can't. (lesson from Sanjay)

2009... there it goes.

So much has changed this year! Sometimes even I don't recognize myself.

My 29th year has been really difficult I think. It seems that the past 3 or 4 or 6 years kind of took their toll on me. Lot of new things happening also. I am working at a place that is so new to me - the people, the work... everything has been really intimidating and very hard to deal with.

This year, even though I have felt like I was crumbling, like I could not go on, I might have gotten stronger. I think I chose to face my struggles. To analyze them and see what was really bothering me. And I think I have also consciously made decisions to deal with my issues. To make changes. To make new beginnings. I guess all is not lost after all.

  • I decided this year that I would stop living my life to find acceptance from other people. Now I need to accept myself. :)

  • I'm learning to not be afraid. To face my fears.

  • I'm learning to love myself and accept myself.

  • I'm learning that sometimes you need to rebel.

  • I've learned that the so called sophisticated, rich, famous people are at the end of the day, just people. They need love and often, a free meal.

  • The things I do don't define my worth. No human being should be valued by what they have, or what they have done. Every human being should be valued for who they are. No matter how great an artist you are, if you treal other people badly, you're an asshole and deserve no respect.

  • Truth, love, family and friends are most important.

Church and Friends

I don't know if I will ever go back to my old church. I miss the people there. I also realize that many of my friendships are centered there so not going to church does reduce the strength of some ties. That's the thing though. If something external is what makes us friends, were we really friends at all? If you don't love me for who I am and so want to be my friend, then should I consider you my friend really?

So lets see. Through this ordeal, I will know I think who my real friends are.

It's so weird to be in this place right now. I am not sure of anything anymore.

Not going to Church

December 31, 2009

Another year. Last year I did not go to church for the watch night service. I'm not going tonight. And I don't think I will go tomorrow either. Why? Well... it's been like that this year. I have not been going to church since April 2009. This is a HUGE thing for me. I have always attended, always been active, taught Sunday School, been the person people could rely on for a skit, church decorations, any program. And now, that part of my life is missing.

I was seriously disillusioned with my church... with the people in the church. I found it terribly difficult to deal with how people took sides and were willing to take sides with someone who was obviously not right for their own interests. Sure, I may be a little hot blooded on this, but then, if someone is wrong, someone is wrong. There are times when we can't be wishy washy about things. We need to stand up for what we believe is right. It was a horrible time. I saw people I had grown up with, respected, and loved use "Christianity" and the words of our religion to meet their own needs. Political battles being fought with spiritual terminology. God and the Bible used as weapons for personal agendas. It was HORRIBLE.

And so I left. Disappointed and cynical. This was the last straw it seems.

I also left because I felt I had got it all wrong. When I was a child I went because my parents made me. Then I went because I was growing up and my friends were in church and possibly some love interests as well. Then it became a habit. Sure, through all this I have found God and felt like I've lost Him as well in my church. The past few years I have been teaching Sunday School. And last year (2008) I realized that my resources had all been used up! "That's because we don't take the time to feed ourselves" someone told me. It's true. Still, I think its a little more than that.

I have finally decided to be honest with myself. I have my doubts about Christianity. I admit I don't understand what some of the stuff means! I don't get the Trinity. And I don't understand fully human and fully man. And I just don't get why Christianity is so connected with words and knowing and so intellectual even? How do regular people get it if all so complicated?

Why, in all my years of being a Christian have I always felt like a worm? Why, when I pray I feel helpless? Why is it so damn difficult to be a Christian? Where is all the joy and the peace that Jesus promised? Why am I still anxious? And really, is it supposed to be so much work?

I've realized that I need to find Jesus outside of all the cushioning of the church. Out in the desert as it were. And this is the real world. The real desert. Life is so damn difficult, if Jesus does not make sense to me here, or if He is not real here, then there's no point.

I'm tired of the words. Really. I can't bear to hear the same stuff over and over again and have it not mean anything to me! How is the world am I supposed to share this with anyone else?

So, no church. And I'm trying to find God in the wilderness.