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Showing posts from December, 2009

I want

One of the things I struggle with is knowing what I want. Well, the truth is not that I don’t know. It’s being ok with wanting what I want. We grew up being taught that we should not really want. And often we could not have what we wanted. What was good for us would be given to us and God and our parents knew what was good for us. So, I am often afraid of wanting anything. I am afraid that I will make a mistake and it will not be good for me. I want only what please God (or so I thought) and my parents (which really is more so the case).

Even now there is a song in my head that we learnt for a musical when we were children. “The I wants”. It was a about a girl who was basically selfish and of course a brat. So the song is about how she’s got the I I I I I I wants, the me, myself and I I wants. And of course the poor girl needed to be saved.

So, basically having grown up being taught not to be selfish and therefore not to want to much I end up being an adult who cannot want something e…

Lessons from 2009

J asked me to put down some affirmative thoughts as I got them. Here are some:

Making mistakes does not mean you are a mistake. It's one small error. Not a reflection on who you are and what you are capable of.
There is no reason for you to be sad. When things are normal feel normal and save the sadness for when it is warranted.
It's ok if some people don't like you. You don't like everybody.
Some people are easier to like than others.
You are entitled to happiness, love and peace.
You don't need to take anybody's bullshit!
It's ok for you to want!
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
If someone behaves like a jerk they are the assholes. You need not feel bad about yourself. Pity them!
You're always going to have to deal with assholes. Quitting won't help. Stand up and fight.
Nobody can make you feel something you don't want to feel.
At the core of who I am is a teacher. The concerns of children are important to me. The more I reflec…

2009... there it goes.

So much has changed this year! Sometimes even I don't recognize myself.

My 29th year has been really difficult I think. It seems that the past 3 or 4 or 6 years kind of took their toll on me. Lot of new things happening also. I am working at a place that is so new to me - the people, the work... everything has been really intimidating and very hard to deal with.

This year, even though I have felt like I was crumbling, like I could not go on, I might have gotten stronger. I think I chose to face my struggles. To analyze them and see what was really bothering me. And I think I have also consciously made decisions to deal with my issues. To make changes. To make new beginnings. I guess all is not lost after all.

I decided this year that I would stop living my life to find acceptance from other people. Now I need to accept myself. :)

I'm learning to not be afraid. To face my fears.

I'm learning to love myself and accept myself.

I'm learning that sometimes you need to rebel.


Church and Friends

I don't know if I will ever go back to my old church. I miss the people there. I also realize that many of my friendships are centered there so not going to church does reduce the strength of some ties. That's the thing though. If something external is what makes us friends, were we really friends at all? If you don't love me for who I am and so want to be my friend, then should I consider you my friend really?

So lets see. Through this ordeal, I will know I think who my real friends are.

It's so weird to be in this place right now. I am not sure of anything anymore.

Not going to Church

December 31, 2009

Another year. Last year I did not go to church for the watch night service. I'm not going tonight. And I don't think I will go tomorrow either. Why? Well... it's been like that this year. I have not been going to church since April 2009. This is a HUGE thing for me. I have always attended, always been active, taught Sunday School, been the person people could rely on for a skit, church decorations, any program. And now, that part of my life is missing.

I was seriously disillusioned with my church... with the people in the church. I found it terribly difficult to deal with how people took sides and were willing to take sides with someone who was obviously not right for their own interests. Sure, I may be a little hot blooded on this, but then, if someone is wrong, someone is wrong. There are times when we can't be wishy washy about things. We need to stand up for what we believe is right. It was a horrible time. I saw people I had grown up with, respect…