Saturday, December 31, 2011

And another year is up

At the end of every year I like to go over the past one. I think its important to remember. Or else we just plain forget! I didn't blog very much this year but so much has happened... like any year I suppose. I guess the biggest thing is that we moved to Toronto... something we've been wanting to do for a while now. My husband has found a school that he feels at home with and is studying and enjoying it. I have been wanting to live in another country for while now and just explore new places and spaces and so that has happened. I like it here. I like that we are just the two of us. It brings us closer. I like that there are four seasons here and we can mark the changes. I loved fall and I like the winter so far. I love the snow... yes yes... everyone says I will be sick of it soon... but for someone who has  lived 31 years in a city with no snow I think I can handle a few months for now.

At the beginning of 2011 I started my business... Happy Turtle. I had found my calling. :) I was going to be a quilter. I obsessed about fabric and quilting and so enjoyed it. Since September I haven't been able to quilt... no machine, no space, no money. But, I was at the Creativ Festival and the North York Quilters Guild Quilt Show and that was great. I won a fat quarter in a giveaway! Very surprising! I bought some fabric and love it. I have been given an old sewing machine which I need to work on a bit to get it into shape but its a great gift. So I hope I can do more in the coming year.

I am more prepared to be here at this point in my life than I was before. I am more at peace with myself, more accepting, more trusting, more calm, more joyful :). I don't get as depressed as I used to and I don't worry as much. Little things don't upset me and I am able to look ahead with hope. It's interesting... I have never had as little as I do now in terms of actually resources and yet I am not as worried as I was when I did have more! Maybe this is what peace is. What trust is.

There is much to be learned yet. And that will come. But I am better for having lived 2011. And I am grateful for having survived it.

We lost people this year. Young people. A friend who was 36 and a church member who was 40. And older people - an uncle who was 84 (I think). I don't know what to make of it. I don't know why it happens. Why mothers have to see their children die before them. Why young wives are left alone with two young children to care for.  How does one live when death strikes early? 36 and 40 are not too far away from 32... death is real and knocking at the door it seems. How do we prepare for it? How do we live with it?

My husband has been ill since we came here and we had to consider that something more severe than an infection might be present. So far it has been ok, but what if? Our lives go on with hopes and fears. One never without the other.

Still, we are here today and must make the most of it.

I am grateful for the past year. And, I look forward to the next with all the hope and fear!

Friday, November 25, 2011

Good Blog

Found a really good blog today - Touching Paper. Check it out.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Mad love

The habit of moralizing spoils religion. Personal responsibility to an inviolable moral code replaces personal response to God's loving call. Moralism and its step-child, legalism, reduce the love story of God for his people to the observance of burdensome duties and oppressive laws. 
- Brennan Manning, Reflections for Ragamuffins

I feel like my Christian life has been a series of "do's and don'ts". What is right and what is not right. What a Christian should behave like, where she should be seen, what she should be doing. No one really focused on the mad love of God. That mad love that would make Him forgive, and come after us, and die for us. Something is missing in the way we have understood Christianity. I can't remember a sermon that conveyed this mad passion to me. I remember guilt, and correction, and what God is expecting, but not the madness of Christ. This way of living doesn't make us lovers. It makes us practical. And Christianity is not practical really. We're missing the point if we thing it is. I think... if we've accepted Christ we will have "eternal life" ... in the way we perceive it. If we should live under the law it is our loss. If we should to be married to rules, and duties, and ritual, it is our loss. If we choose to be anxious, even when Jesus said, "Don't be anxious", it is our loss. If we choose to live by grace, in the freedom of a crazy crazy love... well, then that is life! Eternal, abundant life!

Friday, November 11, 2011

4 years...

I started blogging in November 2007. This is my first post... Choosing to be Happy. And now, 4 years later... Learning to be Joyful. In between are 4 years of living, learning, crying, laughing, despair, hope, sadness and joy. In between are many many blog posts, about 6 blogs and a lot of work. It's interesting that I started my blog with Choosing to be Happy. I think for a lot of my life this has been a central issue. I want to be happy. Why can't I be happy? And through a process of learning to be honest with myself, getting help, learning to love myself, learning to love God, learning to trust God, learning about grace, experiencing God's grace and love... I have moved from wanting to be happy to wanting to be Joyful. And indeed, wanting to be more like Jesus.
I'm glad I started blogging... I go back often to my posts... just to see where I've been. What lessons I have learned. How I learned them. And it makes something very clear to me... that the most important lessons in life are learned over time and through difficult circumstances. It is a journey, it is a struggle, it is clawing our way up many pits - of despair, of fear, of anxiety, of loss, of grief, of lovelessness, of hate, of anger, of guilt - but we must claw our way up. And with God's help, we will.

At Starbucks


We met our friend at Starbucks, North of Yonge and Bloor. This is my first time in a Starbucks but more than the Hot Chocolate I was really happy to be in the store. Well, happy and sad in some ways. The Starbucks used to be a book shop - Albert Britnell Book Shop. It seems like the book shop must have had some character. I loved the layout, the tiled floors, and the wood. Starbucks has a lot of pictures of the book shop on their walls and the original sign on the front wall. And I think the door might also be from back then. I'm glad they left it that way and keep the memory alive in some sense. Though I would have much preferred if the book shop were still around.





Thursday, November 10, 2011

Learning to be joyful

A fringe benefit for the believer en route to higher Christian consciousness is that ninety-nine percent of the emotional suffering caused by his addictive programming to security, sensation, and power disappears from his daily dance.
-Brennan Manning, Reflections for Ragamuffins

The day before I read this I had been to Alpha and Nicky Gumbel was talking about being salt and light to the world. And I think we normally think of being salt and light in what we do. We help other people, we work for the poor, we donate to charity, we become full-time ministers, we preach the gospel, we teach in the church and so on. I think all of this is valid and good and necessary. But I also think that it is important to look at who we are and not just what we do. In modern life who we are is defined by what we do. I believe that we must make the separation once again. 

I think after my 29th year I began to focus more on who I was.  Up until then, like everybody else, what I did defined me completely. My job was so important to who I thought I was. If I was involved with social work I felt like my life had some meaning. I was helping make the world a better place and that was who I was. If I was doing well at my job and getting good reviews I would feel good about myself. The minute I was unsure of what I was doing I would think that I was good for nothing. This became so bad that it was eating me alive. And at 29 I was done. I thought I was wasting space on the face of the earth and that I really was never going to be good at anything. But slowly, very slowly, I changed focus.

Yes, I found something to do - quilt. But I think I found something more than that. I decided to be honest with myself and let myself be who I was. I began to see what I really liked and disliked, what I wanted and did not want, what excited me and what did not. And then it was no longer necessary for me to be a super woman. I did not have to be successful in the way the world saw it. I wanted to be happy and enjoy my life. Not in a mindless, get piss drunk and sleep around kind of way, but really enjoy the things about life that make me happy. Trees, and sunshine, and blue sky, and birds, and family, dogs, friends, music, fabric, sewing, movies... little things that I feel add to my existence. For me, having a fancy job and making a lot of money, I knew would not take away my despair. Sure I'd like to have money... but not at the cost of not being able to enjoy the other things.

So I retreated. And now I focus on building up who I am. And moving here has really helped me with this. I can see God working on me. I truly can. I was looking through my prayer journal and found on the 16th of March 2011:

Dear God, being a Christian is actually a really difficult way of life. I'm not sure what it looks like yet but it seems like there is more sacrifice, and pain and loss than there is joy. But I guess we are supposed to feel joy through all of that. How can one do that? It's not something that comes easily to us. I suppose that is why we need the Spirit. We cannot be Christians without the Spirit. Lord teach me. Send your Spirit. Amen.

And on the 28th of October:

Can I be a joyful person? Can I be light? How does one do this? I think I must force myself to be this person... I mean... push myself out of my negative thoughts and despair...


I decided that day that I was going to be a joyful person. See I believe that people should see Jesus in you. If people are really able to see Jesus... can they deny Him? And as much as what we do is important... and can be salt and light... there is another light. A light that comes from inside of us. I have seen this light in maybe one or two people. They are people you are drawn to. People you want to be around. People you want to be like. People who remind you of Jesus. I want to be someone like that. And I think... the way to do it... is to have the fruits of the Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
- Galatians 5:22-23
For most of my Christian life I felt that these fruits of the Spirit should just come to you... like a sudden change... a switch that gets turned on. Now I think it takes work. It takes work. We learn to love, we learn to be patient, we have to learn self-control... why should we not learn joy? Does joy come naturally to us. Well, to some I suppose but not to me. And when I look back on life I think I also cultivated a way of being that fearful, anxious, sad, gloomy, negative. If I spent time building this person, I need to spend time tearing her down and building another person. A new creation. And this, most certainly, the work of the Spirit. It does not happen overnight. It does not happen in some magical way... it has to be worked on. You have to claw your way from the pit of despair to hope, and life, and joy. And God is right there with you, holding you up, pulling you up, right beside you. 

I always thought, why am I not joyful? Why can't I stop worrying? Why am I afraid? Why can't I believe? Why can't I trust? And I thought this was because I was a bad Christian. Not good enough. So God has not blessed me with these things. But I see now that it takes work. Trust takes work. Love, faith, joy... takes work. And if you ask God to teach these things to you, He will. Be sure He will. :)


Monday, November 7, 2011

Fall

When I was growing up in India I'd so want to be in a place that had all the four seasons. I wanted to see snow and I wanted to see the colors of the trees during fall. I love trees. I love watching them, standing under them, touching the bark, collecting leaves, watching birds... I think the world should have more trees. And so I'm very grateful to be able to actually see so many trees and so many trees in the fall. :)


This is the tree outside our house. It was green a week ago and now its all yellow.





Saturday, November 5, 2011

A City Within a Park

Toronto has so many beautiful parks and woods right in the city. We have one close to home and I can't say how happy it makes me to be able to be footsteps away from something so beautiful.

 The park is a ravine and goes on for so long! So much space.

 I journal a great deal. Well mostly this is a prayer journal. I daresay I have said Thank You to God more over the past few weeks than I have for a long time now.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Trying to find work...

I just sent off my very first job application. Resume and Cover letter. Both tweaked to the format most commonly used here. I am told that most people don't find jobs in their own line of work too soon. In fact people wait for a year or two... sometimes more to actually work at the level that they had worked in their home countries. Often people have to do all sorts of jobs to survive. Work in retail, door-to-door selling, work in coffee shops and restaurants... so I don't know if anything will come off this but lets see. Most places want Canadian experience here. It does not matter what you did before. And many places will not hire you if you are not Canadian. It's true!!! A friend of mine got rejected 40 times before she could find a job and she's American. So... lets wait and see.
Oh just wanted to add here that when you come in as the wife of someone who is on a study/work permit you are allowed to work but you need to apply for an Initial Open Work Permit. Go to the Citizenship and Immigration site... here's the link. 
It is possible to apply for this permit along with your visa application and you should really so that you won't have to wait for it when you get here. Its an additional CAD 150. You may have to take any job you can get for starters but with the permit at least you can do that. We didn't know that we could apply from India and when I went on the site after I came here the only information I got was that I had to have a job offer letter to be able to apply! This really made it very difficult. When I called the customer care number I got an automated message that said the same thing. And the first time I called I did not know that in order to speak to a person you just had to dial 0! So I didn't. Wasted 2 weeks being really depressed and then found out about the 0 and called and go the information. That's another thing you need to remember. You press 0 and you get to speak to a person.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Apartment hunting in Toronto

 I was hoping that by now we would be in our apartment... but that has not gone as I thought it would. Rentals in Toronto are high. Really high. If you're planning to come here check out the rents on viewit.ca
We looked up apartments online before we came and asked a friend to check them out. Looking online you don't always know what kind of area you're going to move in to. Especially if you're looking for budget housing. So if you know someone here run the apartments by them to check on locality and things. If they can go and check out the apartment for you physically that would be very good.

Once you get here you can look up Renters Guide, Find a Rental and other such free magazines that you can find in the news stands at bus stops and subway stations. You can also walk around in an area and you will find apartments for rent boards. This is usually better in an area with apartments rather than houses.

Somethings you need to know about renting here:
  • You need to have Credit History/ you need to be employed/ you need a co-signor who is a PR/Citizen. This again depends on the renter. Some places are ok to have a co-signor but others are very particular that you are employed and need a letter from the employer. 
  • You have to pay first and last rent. Two months rent in advance.
  • Apartments are rented on lease for a period of time, usually one year. If you want to leave before your lease ends you have to serve the notice period which will be specified in your contract. Sometimes if you are renting from a landlord rather than a rental company then you can work it out with the landlord. You will need to find a renter to take your apartment for the rest of the lease period. So that is possible. 
  • One place I went to actually asked me for a money order and another for full rent while applying! They wouldn't give me an application without paying. They said that if we were given the apartment it would be deducted from the rent or it would be returned if we were not going to take the apartment. I was not very comfortable with this. Other places did not have this clause so I preferred them. 
  • Oh... an interesting fact. Apartments here don't come with inbuilt lights in the living room or bedroom. Only the bathroom and the kitchen have lights. You will need to buy lamps to light up the rest of the rooms. 
  • You have to pay renters insurance so that is extra. 
  • Always check if hydro and utilities is extra or included in the rent. If it is extra you need to factor that in. It's better to have it included in the rent but that really depends on what your budget is. 
  • Apartments close to Downtown are more expensive. If you live farther away it will be cheaper but travel time is more. Toronto is a large city and people spend close to an hour to an hour and a half getting to work on the subway. So you need to see what works better for you. 

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Music

The great thing about Toronto is that you'll hear old music in stores, and restaurants, and markets. I love it! :) I was walking with my friend to No Frills today (its a large grocery chain that has lower food prices) and we were talking... just about living here and trying to make it and all of that and we passed by a hot dog stand and guess what's playing... "Once I was afraid ... I was petrified... " and I said, "That's my song! I will survive!" :) And then while I was shopping... Elvis... and he always makes me smile no matter what. And now I'm watching Mamma Mia and ABBA always makes me happy too. :) And the other day I heard "I'm Yours" ... and I said to myself... I won't hesitate no more...

Friday, October 7, 2011

Thanksgiving

It's Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend. It doesn't seem to be as a big a deal as it is in the US (like most things) but I think everyone is looking forward to long weekend. And there are turkeys and ham on sale.
I was thinking though that it might be a good time for me to just take some time and be thankful. I think it gets a little difficult when you're so highly stressed and worried about what you're going to do! But it has been a month since we've been here and there are many things to be thankful for.
  • I am thankful to be here! I honestly did not think we'd even make this far! :)
  • I am thankful for our friends here in Toronto who have welcomed us into their homes, fed us, taken care of us and support us.
  • We've been here a month and we've had a couple of illness episodes. But I'm thankful that they were not major and could be handled. 
  • I'm thankful that I have family who care for me and love me. 
  • I'm thankful that I am not alone in all this. That I my husband and I are doing this together. 
  • I'm thankful for friends who love us and pray for us. 
  • I'm thankful for the church I've been going to and for the pastor and the people who have been good to us. 
  • I'm thankful for the people at my table at Alpha. For their acceptance and their support.
  • I'm thankful for new friends who have been so wonderful. 
  • I'm thankful that I could apply for a work permit.
  • I'm thankful that we will have an apartment in the middle of this month. 
  • I'm thankful that I am learning to love God...and trust Him. 
Happy Thanksgiving everybody! :)

Is there anything too hard for the Lord?

So at Alpha yesterday the video was about "Why and How Should I Pray." When I first said to the pastor of the church that I was going to go to Alpha he said, "Now why do you have to go to Alpha?" I didn't really know what he meant 'coz I was not really aware of what Alpha was really. It was suggested to me and I was happy to get out of the house.
While the Alpha course is fairly basic and for people who are new to the faith, its been interesting for me to part of it. I enjoy listening to Nicky Gumbel. He's interesting and easy to listen to. And something will stick out from talk. Something that you need to hear. This week it was the sentence he ended his talk with, after he had talked about how a couple were separated for two or three years, both were not Christian at the time, one became a Christian and then the other too, and then they got back together. He then pulled out an old prayer diary he had from that time and ready aloud his prayer of thanks for what God had done in the couples life. And he said, "Is there anything to hard for the Lord?" And that's what stuck.
We're at a difficult time in our lives. So much uncertainty! And I used to complain about "uncertainty and no security" when we were paying rent and getting salaries. Now, with no apartment and no job, and not much savings left... it's all really really shaky. :) But I guess now is the time to decide where I want to put my feet. On the ground... which really I can't be sure about, or on God... who I am going to have to learn to be sure about. It's a big lesson to learn. Trust. And it doesn't come easy.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Not really alone...

I went to an Alpha course session today. The friends we are living with go and aunty suggested that it would be good for me to go too. It was. Community is so essential in our lives. There is such a deep sense of loss when we're so far away from home, and family, friends, and everything that was familiar and comfortable to us. And now, as aliens, and foreigners, and the outsiders... we go through so many different emotions, so many moments of deep despair and loneliness.
As I sat at the table I was assigned to, and met people, and sang, I was reminded of how FANTASTIC the Body of Christ is! Here I was, halfway across the world, and I was welcomed and greeted, fed, smiled at, spoken to... just because I was there, and I believed in the same God. And all of a sudden we were community. We were travelers on the journey. We shared something in common. Jesus. And that was enough.

And then there was the rainbow

I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.
 - Gen 9:13

I was really getting down and depressed. That can happen to you in a foreign country by the way. A lot! So if you're doing what we are doing... be prepared for it! Or not. 
Anyway, so I was standing on the balcony of our friends home and looking out rather gloomily at the sky. It had been raining. And the sky was grey and cloudy and then... I saw the rainbow. :) And I remembered the first rainbow, and the covenant God made with the earth. And the covenant God made with people. And I remembered that God is. And always will be. And God loves. And always will. And God has got me... in the palm of His hands. And always will.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Where is home?

We've been apartment hunting and its not easy on a student budget. So many things to consider when you look for a place here - rent, how far it is from school/work, whats the neighborhood like, are grocery stores etc close by, does rent include utilities and hydro, are renters willing to accept a co-signor, will they give you an apartment if you're not employed yet.... Been crazy!
When we traveled to come here, through baggage check and immigration and all of it, we felt that it was just the right time for us. Like God was opening doors and letting us pass. At the airport as we waited for our baggage... ABBA's Dancing Queen played and I was so happy! :) Just felt like things were working out for us... for me.
So, I want to remember those moments when I get down because we can't find something that works for us. When I worry about my job and resources etc. I want to remember that God brought us here. And He will take care of us. He already prepared two homes that took us in and provided for us these past two weeks. He must have something for us... somewhere where we can lay our heads and call home.

Monday, September 19, 2011

And now we are here...

And now we are here on the other side of the ocean. So far away from what we called home, and family, and friends and everything that was familiar and that we understood. Now we must learn new things, new words and meanings, and street names. Now we must  smell new smells and taste new tastes and meet new people. Now we have different mountains to climb and different questions to ask and different tears to cry. Even we are different. Even we don't seem familiar. Everything is strange, everything is new, everything is not what it used to be.
Still, there are old friends and old stories, new friends and new grace, messages and emails and memories of what was. So it is good. It is good. 

Thursday, September 1, 2011

"Dear God"

We're moving. For a couple of years at least. So I have been packing and clearing and pulling things down and finding things whose existence I had long forgotten. Scarves from my childhood, journals, birthday cards, play scripts for church... so many different things. I decided to do away with my journals but I have to say that it made me think about some things. You see, I have been writing my prayers down for about 13 years or so... maybe longer. I started with Dear Diary when I was younger and somewhere along the line it became Dear God and never went back! I've never thought I had much of a prayer life but I just tore about 9 journals and still have about 3 to go... and they were all prayer.

I suddenly realized last night that I have spend time in prayer so to speak. Sure it's not day in and day out and there are breaks but... its pages and pages of prayer.

This move has been very interesting for me and I want to put it down so I won't forget. Its in my prayers but someday, 5/10 years from now, I may have to tear up those pages. So maybe some of what is important should go up here.

As I tore those journals I realized that I have spent a great deal of time searching... in my own confused, deranged way... full of frustration and tears and torn sheets... but all of those years have made me who I am now. I must not  forget that the present has come from many years of struggle and grace and love. I am grateful for life now. So much has happened in 31 years. If we took the time to remember all our experiences, our joys, our failures, our family, our friends, our dogs, the places we have been to, the people we have met, the things we learned, the food we have eaten, the tastes, the smells, the feeling, the beauty, the pain, the tears, the laughter... what can we say about our lives? But that it has been abundant. Yes, that is what it has been. Abundant life. 

Friday, April 22, 2011

And the Word comes alive again

I'm teaching VBS this year after a two year break. I must admit I'm a little nervous. I've had no contact with children over the past two years and I feel that a lot must have changed. Still, I am excited to be studying the Bible again. I am reminded of how interesting it is and how excited I get when I spend time studying. Sometimes when I read these days I feel like I've never seen those words before! After all these years!It's been wonderful though... just reading, and learning, and researching. Also, enjoyed the teachers meeting we had where had some discussion on the lessons were doing this year. I think I miss being in a seminary class.
Anyway...looking forward to VBS 2011.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Success

Alain de Botton: A kinder, gentler philosophy of success | Video on TED.com

So I'm trying to start a business... well I've started already. It's a quilting business. I make and sell quilts. The stories behind this is here and the official blog is here. Of course it took me many years to find out what it is I wanted to do with my life. Many years of struggle and anguish and turmoil but here I am... I know now. Which is great. But, what next? How do I take something that I know I want to do with the rest of my life and turn it into a viable, sustainable life option? I'm working through that. Making plans, trying to organize myself a little better, learning a little bit about business and management as I go along... but I often ask myself if I will make it. In fact, last night, I told my husband that I was only trying to cope with the world and life and that I will never really be "successful" or "make it". I won't be successful I think in the way the world see it. I will probably not turn this business into an empire, I probably won't make a tonne of money, this may never become an industry that employs hundreds of people, famous people will not be using my quilts... so I guess I won't be thought of as a success will I?
The question however is, "What is success to me?" How do I define it. I know that if my life became what it used to be, long hours of work, long hours in traffic, horrible bosses, work that got me no appreciation, I would not feel like a success. If I was not happy, not challenged, not creative, not excited, not appreciated, I would not think I was a success. So how do I find a way to take what I want to do with my life and be the success I want to be? Yes I'd like to make money but I would also like to have a life. A life where I have family, and friends, and beauty, and travel, and music, and art, and health and wellness. I think I should spend some time thinking about what my idea of success is. Its probably crucial to the exercise of making a business plan.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Learning to live without fear

As I grow older I find that I am less confident and more afraid. I don't understand why this is happening. Why is the world becoming larger and more scary now that I am bigger than when I was smaller. Strange. But it is happening and I know that if I don't put an end to it I will only get worse. Fear will consume me and I will not be able to function as a normal adult. That would be quite tragic.
I think fear is a symptom of not being able to believe that there is good in the world. More importantly fear is a symptom of not being able to trust God like a child. Its a symptom of believing that I am alone and must care for myself. Some people can take care of themselves but I have realized that I need God. Everything is meaningless without Him. Still, it is difficult to fully trust to the point where I can live freely and abundantly. Anxiety and worry follow me all the days of my life :).
I have been asking God to help me not to fear but each time I prayed about it I was afraid. Why can't I believe that God wants the best for me? That he will do good in my life? Maybe the unanswered prayers of the past - especially the illnesses and deaths - come back and make me doubt. Well, they do. It's the first thing I think of when I tell myself that God will answer prayer. But not being afraid is not about having your prayers answered. It's about believing that God loves and cares about you more than anyone else, including you. And that he will take care of you and do what is best for you, not in the way the world thinks, but so that you will grow into a deeper relationship with Him.
So the other day, during a body balance class, I decided to live without fear. We were in the meditation segment of the class at the very end and the trainer said, "Let go of everything that is bothering you and relax." And I did. And I thought if I can do this for 8 minutes when a fitness instructor tells me to, why am I not doing with the God of the universe tells me, "Do not Fear", "Do not worry", " I will never leave you nor forsake you." Why am I not believing Him? Each time I ask God to help me stop worrying I only affirm that reason to be anxious and be afraid. I am not casting my cares on Him. I am not listening. I am not trusting.
So I decided that I would stop asking God to help me not to be afraid in my prayers and focus on thanksgiving, and praise, and praying for others. For the Heavenly Father knows what I need and He will give them to me. And so I take my first step to live without fear. Praise God!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Turned 31

I turned 31 a couple of days ago. My mum fell ill two days before my birthday and was hospitalized. So I spent my birthday at the hospital taking care of her. Its interesting though - when one is born one is at the hospital, the mother is recovering from giving birth, and that's where one spends one's very first day in the world - being taken care of. So, I think its good that we get to do a birthday in a hospital caring for our mothers. It takes us back to the initial struggle from which we are born and reminds us of everything mothers need to go through to raise us - if we think hard enough. So actually, I'm grateful that I got to take care of her and this time round she seemed to appreciate it more. Which was also very interesting for me. For the past 7 years I have taken care of my mother through her periodic illnesses but this time she really seemed to feel something about the whole experience. I guess its good for both of us.

When I got back home from the hospital and went up to my studio a day later I found that my husband had set up new speakers for me! :) we had talked about this earlier, I was using some really old computer speakers and I also needed a spike-buster since I have only two plug points in the room, and there they were. I was overwhelmed. Sitting in a room in my mothers house that I have converted to my studio, having the opportunity to do what I want to do, having found what I want to do, looking out at the trees from the window, listening to music on a ipod that my cousins gave me last year (bless them),  no full time job to go to, no rush hour traffic, no asshole boss, no office politics... God is good. And I am blessed to have people who love, support and believe in me. It's  an amazing thing isn't it. To actually know that. That was gift enough. Here's to being 31!