Saturday, March 17, 2012

Mystery

I had not heard Bruce Cockburn before... but lately I've been hearing a lot of him! My husband's professor gave him a bunch of cds the other day and there were six of Bruce Cockburn. Then, The Church of the Redeemer had an evening service based on the music of Bruce Cockburn. The band that played that evening were very good and did such a great job of this particular song. And the service was beautiful.

I think Bruce is a modern day prophet. Listen to some of his other songs. He's like Habbakuk crying out in sackcloth and ashes.

By the time they played this song I was weeping. I was weeping because I realized that I spent so much of my life belittling the work of God. Not out of arrogance but out of despair. I would get so weighed down with the world, so hurt by all the violence and wickedness, disillusioned by what people were capable of and I would say that there was nothing good about the world. Nothing good about humans.

And here is this song.

You can't tell me there is no mystery
Mystery
Mystery
You can't tell me there is no mystery
It's everywhere I turn

Moon over junk yard where the snow lies bright
Snow lies bright
Snow lies bright
Moon over junk yard where the snow lies bright
Can set my heart to burn 


It is true I have felt the same way before.  It is true that I have watched the mountains, and the sea, and now the snow and it has moved me to tears. Then why do I now say that there is no point being alive. 

I don't deny God. I believe. I do. But sometimes I just don't understand why there is so much evil in the world. And I despair. And I think, we should just stop bringing more children into the world because it is dying. And why put more innocent lives into this mess?

And don't tell me there is no mystery
Mystery
Mystery
And don't tell me there is no mystery
It overflows my cup

This feast of beauty can intoxicate
Intoxicate
Intoxicate
This feast of beauty can intoxicate
Just like the finest wine

And sometimes I don't understand who I am. I don't want the things everybody else wants. I can't do a job just so I can make money. I've always been this way.

I was built on a Friday and you can't fix me
You can't fix me
You can't fix me
I was built on a Friday and you can't fix me
Even so I've done okay

So grab that last bottle full of gasoline
Gasoline
Gasoline
Grab that last bottle full of gasoline
Light a toast to yesterday

What really gets me about him... is that he's doing something with his angst. He's doing something with his despair. He's not just retreating and cowering and feeling sorry.

So all you stumblers who believe love rules
Believe love rules
Believe love rules
Come all you stumblers who believe love rules
Stand up and let it shine
Stand up and let it shine
 

Winters Pass

I was watching Judging Amy today - on You Tube. I'm on the 5th season. I absolutely love this show and have been watching it straight since February. Anyway, in the episode I watched today, a landscaper comes to the house to fell a tree that has fallen. He asks Maxine why she hasn't tended her garden and why she let it get to the sorry state is was in. Maxine tells him that she doesn't own the house or the yard anymore, her daughter does and Amy is not interested in gardens. And who gardens in the winter anyway? So the landscaper says, "Winters pass Ms. Gray. Spring will come."

And it is true. Winters pass. For the Maxine who lost her fiance, whose children seem to be having horrible marriages, who is now paying rent in the house she used to live in... winters pass. And for us in the real world... for us who are lonely, sick, poor, tired, afraid, despairing... winters pass. Spring will come. And the world will be new again and alive.

Yesterday my boss offered me a full time position at the store. I can't believe this is happening. For the past 3 months I have constantly been thinking of how I can get a job. Yes I had work part time but that only barely got us through the month. I needed two more days and I have been applying all over the place. I went to coffee shops, retail stores, bakeries... I applied to not-for-profits, call centers, arts organizations... I was willing to clean floors, sell coffee, take calls, manage programs (if they'd let me)... but I didn't hear a thing. Except, "Do you have retail experience?" "Do you have food service experience?" Finding work in this country is a bloody nightmare! And I was getting rather depressed I must say.

Until a week or so ago... I told my husband I am going to stop moping about that fact that I can't find a second job, I'm going to be happy doing the one I have, and I am going to enjoy the time I have. And... I got bold enough to say, "The right job will come to me." And it has. I can't be happier. This is what I wanted. And once again, God has granted my desire. Thank You Lord!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

It's Winter now... but Spring's around the Corner

I know my last post is about dropping the negativity but I have been nothing but negative since then. This is hard. This moving across the world, being a student wife, being a "new immigrant", trying to find work, trying to live on a minuscule budget... its all bloody hard! If any of you are planning to move here be prepared to be bull dozed!

Anyway... so I've been down for a while. I need to go through these times it appears. Part of the deal of living and learning. And after I have moped long enough I usually bounce back with some important lessons learned (Thank God!)
  1. Don't apologize for who you are. 
  2. Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone is screwed up! 
  3. Maybe... you're not so bad after all. 
  4. The only way to be happy is to decide to be happy. 
  5. The only way to stop worrying is to stop! 
  6. All things considered - you still have it better than most.
  7. Be thankful. 
  8. If you have the time, do things you always wanted to but didn't have the time to before. (The things that don't need money in my case)
  9.  Be Thankful. 
I have a strange problem... I don't know how I picked it up. I seem to forget the good in the past and focus only on the bad in the present. And then I begin to believe that everything about my life is bad, and that I am bad, and that the world is bad... argh! Even I know that's disgusting! But I do it all the time and have done it all my life as far as I can remember.

So I am trying... again... to rid the negativity. To remember the good, to look for the good, to enjoy my life, and pay attention to what I have instead of moping about what I don't.