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Showing posts from February, 2015

Truth & Wisdom

Listening to Jason Mraz's music is like listening to a wise teacher. Someone who sees the beauty and truth of the world and human beings and is able to teach us what he knows in the most beautiful way.

Frederick Buechner says that poets and artists, like the prophets, are the truth tellers of our world. They are able to call things the way they are and also give us ways to understand the world.

Music does this most easily it seems.

This song - 93 Million Miles - makes me lift my head up and look at the world. At the sun. At the sky. At the stars. At the moon. At people.

It makes me see that we are part of something so beautiful and awe inspiring. A world that is breathtaking. And we are able to experience this great and amazing world in ways only a human being can experience.

Sometimes I think it should be enough just to be a human being. To be someone who can walk, and talk, and eat, and move, and look, and see, and hear, and speak, and make, and be, and become, and laugh, and c…

Good Days

The past couple of weekends I have spent sewing.
They have been happy days.

I feel good when I make something. When I finish a quilt. When I have a new design idea.
It gives me great satisfaction to see my work take form, take life, be complete.

It seems I need this in my life - I need to make my quilts. I need to draw my patterns. I need to color.

It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life - and even though it sounds simplistic - all I want to do is quilt. And now design surface patterns. I guess I want to create and I found my medium - the hard way.

So - I am hoping that I can make Saturdays my quilting days. It's harder during the week and as much as I try I don't have the energy for it.

Saturdays it will be.
Saturdays will be work - but work that I love and enjoy.

Here is my project from today.
You can read more about it here: Eastern Sunrise



Tell your Story

I was listening to Nerina Pallot's Nickindia the other day. It's a hauntingly beautiful song.

Here is my story-  A little sad of soul, a little weary  Maybe I am that?  Will nobody love me?  Is an empty heart and a conscience all I have?  If I die tonight, if I give up the fight  Will you do something for me?  Tell them my story,  tell them well Tell them everything you know
She goes on to tell her story.
In the end that is all we have - our stories.

Stories about our friends, our families, our dogs, our youth, our childhood.
Stories about the places we have seen, the things we ate, the people we met.

Telling stories is part of what it means to be human.

When someone passes away, we almost always in the days following their death, talk about them. Tell their stories. Smile, cry, laugh. It is how we remember them. It is how they live on.

I think we should tell our own stories too.
Our stories will, we hope, be told after we are gone.

But we should tell it now. While we live.

I Won't Give Up - II

I was thinking about my last post - I Won't Give Up - in the context of my own relationship with my husband. And I wondered why I wanted so much for someone to feel that way about me - but I didn't really feel that way about anybody else...

Maybe - to love someone else, to not give up on someone else, you must first learn to love yourself and not give up on yourself?

Or at least - begin to love yourself.

Maybe what is needed for a healthy and thriving relationship is for the ones involved to learn to love themselves, accept themselves, and not give up on themselves. To forgive themselves. Maybe, as they learn to be at peace with themselves, they can then be at peace with each other. Love each other. Not give up on each other.

I was reminded of Henry Nouwen's The Return of the Prodigal Son and Becoming the Father.
Nouwen says that we are both the younger son and the elder son at some point in our lives. What we need to learn to do is become the Father.

Maybe that is what i…

I Won't Give Up

It's hard for me to get through this song without weeping. The first time I heard it I thought, how insightful and loving. I was crying by the end of the first verse - and it's been like that ever since.

And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I wished someone would sing a song like this to me. I think I cried because I felt like I could see myself in the person he was describing but I wished someone would say it to me. A lot of people have told me I am old soul - but they say it, and I suppose that I also felt it, in a sort of heavy way. It seemed more a burden than a gift.

But listening to this song I felt like it wasn't a burden at all. It was just who I am. Just a person who does some navigating now and then, someone who learns along the way, and feels deeply, and keeps going.

Still, if only someone would say it to me - that would validate it.

Many listens later I realized that the song is as much …

Growing Food in your Apartment!

I loved this idea. I loved that she came up with a way to grow food and grow it in a city apartment! I love that she made this a community thing - made the technology available to anyone who wanted it and asked people to make it better. I love that people are doing this across the world.

I love that they are creating another world.

Profile Pictures

I changed my profile picture on fb today and so many people liked it. Smiles and thumbs ups all around. It's a good picture.


I am rather proud of it.

But I changed my profile picture because I couldn't bear to look at the one I had up.
No it's not an ugly picture of me -in fact - it's a really nice picture of me. I am smiling. I had had my hair done for my husband's graduation. I had my make-up on. It was a summer day and we were happy and shared a sense of accomplishment. He for this MA, his thesis, his two years of hard work. I for supporting him. For being the primary earner and care taker. It had not been an easy two years but we had made it and here he was, getting his degree.

I was happy in that picture.

I don't feel so happy tonight.

In fact, I have not felt happy for a long time now. Most of fall and all of winter. My therapist thinks I may have low grade depression (yet to be evaluated - why does the health system in Canada take so long to refer you t…

Live Creatively

I had a really bad day the other day. I spiralled to the point where I simply couldn't get myself up again. I could see no hope. No possibility. No light. It was strange because the evening before I was so positive. I had figured that a lot of my sadness came from being limited. Feeling like I could not do what I want to do or be who I wanted to be. And believing that to be true.

I realized that every human being is limited in one way or another. Rich, poor, educated, uneducated, young, old - we all have things we can and cannot do. The people who stand out are the ones who overcome these limitations, who break out of the boxes they are born into or find themselves in, and who do what they love doing.

I realized that I had for the most part of my life believed that "I Can't". I come from a practical family who loved and took care of me, gave me a good education, fed and clothed me, and did everything they could to give me a good start.

Only I wanted different things…

I Struggle

I realized something the other day.
I struggle because I am me and the people who raised me are them.
I struggle because I wanted to be free and they were afraid.
I struggle because I cared about spirit things, and they cared about physical things.
I struggle because I wanted to nurture my soul, and they wanted to secure their bodies.
I struggle because I cared about the world, and they cared mostly about their own.
I struggle because I am weak sometimes, and they are stronger.
I struggle because I am often unsure, and they are always right.
I struggle because I want to break free, but they love me.
I struggle because I am not them.
But they love me.
And they are the people who raised me.
And I love them.

And so now I struggle to be me, to become me, and to still love them.

Creative People Need to Create

The good thing about being a certain kind of person is that there are other people who are a lot like you! Whether you are a writer, a scientist, an artist or a philosopher, you can be sure there are people who have asked your questions, wrestled with your thoughts, fought your battles. This doesn't let you off the hook from asking your own questions, thinking your own thoughts, or fighting your own battles but it can help, inspire, and encourage to meet and listen to others who seem to share a little bit of your soul.

I came across Lisa Congdon when I started dabbling with Surface Pattern Design and have been drawn to her work. Today I found these videos and am further drawn to her.

If you watch the videos you will hear Lisa talk about how she came to art in her 30s and wishes she had done it sooner.

Me too!

You will hear her talk about how she was a Project Manager at a not-for-profit organization and even though she was passionate about her work and loved her job she felt a ho…

Singing as Defiance

“Singing in the midst of evil is what it means to be disciples. Like Mary Magdalene, the reason we stand and weep and listen for Jesus is because we, like Mary, are bearers of resurrection, we are made new. On the third day, Jesus rose again, and we do not need to be afraid. To sing to God amidst sorrow is to defiantly proclaim, like Mary Magdalene did to the apostles, and like my friend Don did at Dylan Klebold's funeral, that death is not the final word. To defiantly say, once again, that a light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot, will not, shall not overcome it. And so, evil be damned, because even as we go to the grave, we still make our song alleluia. Alleluia. Alleluia.” ―

Nadia Bolz-Weber, Pastrix: The Cranky, Beautiful Faith of a Sinner & Saint

 A very close friend of ours passed away in 2007. She was 45. She took ill suddenly, went into a comma and a month later she was gone.

For one month we had prayed, hoped, and believed that she would come back to …

The Courage to Be Me

It's funny how you can go through life and never really figure out who you really are.
I know I've been through this before - this searching for myself - and I did find myself at the time. 
But the self is so vast, so complex, so deep that finding oneself must take a lifetime of searching. 
And even then we may never fully know ourselves. 
As I get older I am convinced that there is a Me inside of me that I don't know anything about. As I get older I am convinced that there is a Me inside of me that I know something about but have been too afraid to let out. 
We become, some of us, who we need to become for our families, our friends, and society.
Inside me I am free. I am beautiful. I am fabulous, I am flamboyant. I am larger than life. I laugh. I love. I live with the audacity and elegance of someone who fears nothing. 
In the world I am heavy. I am cautious, I am practical. I am despairing. I am afraid. I am fragile.
I think it takes courage to find your inside Me and i…

Not Yet...

I have spent the last month feeling quite sad. It might be a mix of turning 35, of visiting family who are successful and "doers", of having finances being limited again... or just the winter blues... either way I have been feeling sad.

 When it comes close to my birthday I always think that another year has passed and I have still not... I think the right attitude would be to say Another year has passed and I have not yet ...

Things I am learning:

Make Clear Goals. Remember the ones you have not met... you have not met yet.Work hard to meet them.