Saturday, August 15, 2015

Dreams and Doubts

Last night I said something stupid.
I said my dreams didn't matter. It is what it is. It will never work. I should just forget about the whole thing. I was so sad I almost got up and threw out my sketchbooks.

Thankfully I didn't.

Apart from wanting to be a quilter I also want to be a surface pattern designer. Yes I know - in my world - everybody does. There are so many designers and so many amazing ones. So for someone with no background, no training, it's a crazy uphill climb. As it is for a lot of us with the things we pursue.

It's also an uphill climb because I work full time. I need to like everybody else. So sometimes when I am at work I think of all the time I am putting into building someone else's dream -  just so I can pay my bills. And it makes me angry. Survival is real. So what does one do about it?

I'm not sure.

I know a lot of the designers I admired worked full time and worked on their early collections.
Everyone has to survive one way or another.

Did they have student husbands to support. I don't know.

At the end of two years my husband will have a Phd and I would have paid the bills.

And drawn some and learned some.

Is that enough?



Saturday, August 8, 2015

Dreams & Truth

In a dream last night I met a woman who told me I had happiness inside me. That this happiness made me beautiful. She said my face showed it to her.

I know it was just a dream but are dreams just dreams?

Frederick Buechner says truth comes to us in dreams. Is this truth - or is it just my longing for it to be true. And does it really matter?

If I believe there is happiness inside me will it then make it easier for me to be happy?
Does someone else need to tell me this?

Is it not enough that I believe it?


Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Wholeness and Sensations

Sometimes I think I go through the day as a fragmented self. I see parts of my body - the parts that are maybe the most obvious to me or the ones that are the most cause for concern. I focus a lot of energy, on my stomach, abdomen, and back and here is where I feel most discomfort.

In Yin Yoga they ask us to call these physical feelings sensations. We are asked to be aware of them but not to think of them as aches and pains - just sensations. This can be useful. Especially if you've been to the doctor a bunch of times and there seems to be no remedy for the pain.

I wonder what I can do to release the intensity of these sensation. Probably more yoga, breathing and meditation.

Maybe this will help me release the aches and pains.
Maybe this will help me see myself more whole.