Sunday, September 17, 2017

I Can Be Who I AM

Learning from Ground Today

I can be who I am
I don't need to hide anymore

The soul that was born in this present time has had to shift and change to be accepted

I don't need to do this anymore
I can change - but this time it will be to be me

I can see me now 
I can see me... 

I can see my essence

Free Sprit
Dancer
Artist

I am kind, loving, generous, creative and amazing. :) 

I can be who I am now. 
I can be who I am. 

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Blue Sky

We've had some gorgeous days here in Toronto. It's that time just after summer and going into Fall when the leaves are beginning to turn, when its not quite cold enough for a jacket, and the air is crisp but not too cold.

And the sky!

The sky is a clear blue sometimes with dancing clouds and sometimes with none at all.
The sun shines bright but gentle and there are leaves on the trees and flowers in gardens.

It's a beautiful time.


And yet, in other places hurricanes have washed out homes, people are stranded and the sky is gray and angry. It's hard to hold these two realities together. Maybe its hard if you try to find an answer or need to be comfortable. I want to experience the joy of a beautiful sky. I can't seem to do it without thinking of those who don't have this sky today. Can I think of them and still enjoy the sky?

Maybe that is what I must learn. 

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

The Light Came in This Morning


I've had a tumultuous past couple of days. I had a great time at Ground on Sunday. I was able to see again, believe again, and had the sense that I was home. It was a beautiful experience.

Later that evening we had to look at our financial situation and I began to sink. I began to question my work, my choices, my ability to function in the world... it was not good.

This life I have chosen is not easy. And the truth is I am not even completely sure what this life is. I know what it is not and maybe that's where I need to begin. I do have a vague sense of what it is and maybe it's time to articulate that more so I can see.

I spent the next couple of days despairing and sinking.

This morning I woke up and came into the living room and there it was.

Light.

Light on my paintings, on our floor, on our bookshelf, in our living room... and I stopped. And I could see again. I could see that the space I lived in was beautiful. I could see that I was working on my painting. I could see that we are building a life together and we have been for a while now. I could see that I had everything I needed and I was home.

Yes, there is darkness, and sadness, and despair but every now and then the light comes in and reminds me that it is there too.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

I am Home

Learning from Ground:

I am home 
I have everything I need
I am doing everything I want to do

This was a big moment for me. I have been feeling a little homeless these past couple of years. Moving to another country is difficult even though I love it here. I still long for the comfort of the familiar. For people I have known all my life. For ways to speak and dress that are not recently acquired.

I don't believe I would be home if I moved back "home". This has made it worse - this alienation. This foreign-ness. I often feel terribly alone.

At Ground today that moved. I looked around at the other dancers and I felt at home. I don't know any of them but the freedom and trust that was present in our dance made me feel like I was home.

I am home. I am home in this county. I am home at Ground. I am home in my apartment. I am home when I paint and draw. I am home with my husband. I am home in my body.

Maybe that's what it was. I was finally home in my body.

I am home in me. And it's good. 

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Sunshine


This was this morning.
This reminded me of Sunshine by John Denver. So I played his music which reminded me of my childhood and my father who used to introduced me to John Denver's music along with other 70's pop and country music. I still enjoy it. 

Friday, August 18, 2017

At the Harbourfront


It's nice to be by the water.
I should go down more. 

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

I need to write more

I need to write more. A lot has happened and I need to keep track of it. It's so easy to forget life isn't it? I only remember the not so good parts. I forget the good and the times when it wasn't bad. It's important to remember the regular. The everyday. Sometimes life can turn, and the simple things that were a part of your life are taken away from you. Just the simple things. Like, doing the dishes, or folding the laundry, or waking up without pain in your body.

I can't remember the last time I woke up with no pain. 

Today

Today I woke up and stretched. I took a shower, got dressed, walked to Starbucks and got an ice coffee. Then took the bus to work. On my way I saw a truck carrying three giant strawberries. This made me smile. It was good to smile. I have been very sad these past few weeks. Despairing even.

At lunch I decided to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine.



 As I ate a ring-billed gull landed in front of me. He just hung out. He wanted my food. I talked to him and said I didn't want to feed him but the more I talked to him the closer he came! And then something startled him so he flew off only to perch on top of the building opposite me from where he continued to eye my lunch. I kept eating and he came down to the floor again, right in front of me. Finally, (I knew I shouldn't have) I gave him a piece of my tortilla. He gobbled it up. And started to come closer. Then I moved back into the office. He kept hanging out. Waited a long time for me to feed him again and I felt sorry. So I gave him another piece. And shut the glass door. He was there a while. I wonder if he'll come back tomorrow.




I think his name is Barry.
I made a pattern of him. :)




Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Hello Goodbye



Thich Nhat Hanh is the best! 🙂
From Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm

I love the no judgement of Buddhism. As a Christian I would scold myself as I often was scolded. Now, I say "hi and bye, relax and let go." This has been so wonderful for me. 

Sunday, January 22, 2017

My Favorite Corner


I am enjoying our new apartment. One of my favorite spots in the apartment is this corner with my big yellow chair. :) It brings me such joy.